Apple now legally owns every single apple tree in the U.S., thanks to new patent

Apple tree growers just took a swift kick in the fruits this week, thanks to a new patent granting Apple ownership of apple trees across the entirety of the U.S.

This bold, new move comes in response to Samsung calling Apple’s lawsuits “fruity endeavors.” Apple’s motive? To twist Samsung’s words and take on an actual fruity endeavor that serves to help Apple demolish its tech competitors in large, new markets where none currently have a presence.

“We’ve got your ‘fruity endeavor’ right here, Samsung,” replied Apple.

The new patent grants Apple ownership of everything from mother nature’s process of growing apple trees — from the planting of seeds, to the bearing of fruit — to the design of everything encompassed therein. As a result, all apple tree growers must now pay a portion of their proceeds to Apple, where Apple can then hoard all monies collected in tax-sheltered accounts overseas.

When asked about this new tax they plan to impose and how it will surely be a detriment to the multitudes of school field trips to apple orchards, Apple responded, “Kids? LOL! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.”

Also as a result of the patent, every single apple picked here, in the U.S., must now have one bite taken out of it before it leaves the tree. This is a part of Apple’s new branding initiative, A-H.O.L.E.: Apple-Having Orchards; Logo Everything.

In addition to their A-H.O.L.E. initiative, Apple is currently working on a new consumer outreach program that will adequately inform citizens and let them know that there’s no need to panic every time a bag of apples is purchased, and that, no, an angry line cook didn’t take that first bite out of your apple because you customized your order to oblivion.

So, what’s next for Apple now that they’ve secured ownership of the actual fruit their company name/logo brandishes? One source close to the company says they overheard part of a meeting that detailed a partnership with Pope Francis to completely modify the Biblical account of the Adam and Eve story — specifically, the “forbidden fruit,” which is commonly depicted as an apple.

Though further details are unknown, the source also noted that the meeting began with the following opening statement: “They want to call us a religion? We’ll give them religion!”

Apple may have dropped the “think different” line years ago, but they clearly show no signs of slowing down with that mentality. Whatever they hope to achieve going forward, I foresee myself consuming far less apples than I already do, which isn’t much as-is. And just in case you haven’t picked up on it by now, April Fools. =)


  1. Stephen,

    Excellent work! Very creative and clever! It made me laugh out loud.


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